Earth to Wendy?

Donde esta chica bonita???????
(Wendy, since you don't speak Spanish that means "Where are you pretty girl?").

Well it seems like I have been carrying this blog for a couple of weeks now, and while my life has been very interesting and adventurous and cool I would like to know what is going on back on the Texas Coast. Wendy???? HELLO!?!

As for Labor day in LA, I must say it was a blast. So far this has been my favorite weekend. I'll give you a couple of the highlights and try and connect with the randomness of it all, as that is my life to date. (This is a bit long but deal with it).

Friday: Roxie's Birthday

8:00 PM - 1:30 AM Birthday Night Out: My office closed at 2 PM which allowed time for me to drive around LA and pick up cupcakes and flowers for Roxie's bday for the cute pizza place we were going to called Jones. We were then planning to go to this infamous bar called Happy Endings that has been described as a pretty "fratty" bar but it is one of a kind and really fun. In my head I am imaging a more upbeat Lizards mixed with The GK and a bunch of popped collars? We'll see. We ended up hitting up a swankier place called Winston's. This place was GREAT! Wonderful people watching and lots of stuff going on. Six girls occupying a table at this place apparently is a great way to meet people. However, most of them you don't want to meet. Like the Babbling British Bloke who picked Roxie up at the bar with a pick up line of:

"Well wait a second, move into the light I can't tell if you are hot or not."

UMM OK. No. Then he proceeds to follow her back to our table. Well this idiot sat next to me and I don't put up with that type of guy. So what do I do? After 5 mins of him trying to get me to forgive him (yea right buddy, you're lame) I politely pointed to a chair at the adjacent table and told him he needed to remove himself from ours and that the chair across the way looked available. He didn't like this so much. So I said fine go buy the birthday girl a shot bc you were so rude. He refused and said that was not necessary for us to forgive him. Ok buddy well get a freaking clue. We don't like you.

1:30 AM to 2:00 AM Meet Warren: Aka Roxie's new best friend. Well I actually didn't meet him at this time, only Mel did, but he is a transplant of eight days (definition: one who relocates to LA). He and Roxie exchanged numbers at the end of the night. That is all.

Saturday: Recovery

Early PM: Roxie had to work while I ran around looking at apartments with Amy and Cameron. Ok, so not a big highlight. Apt. hunting sucks.

4:00 PM Game Time: Head to a bar in Hollywood to watch the Texas Game with all the Texas Exes out here. Super fun! Had a blast. Best part, OU SUCKS and lost to the Mormons!! Awesome, must celebrate!

8:00 PM Santa Monica Bar Hopping: Roxie gets a call from Warren to come meet up. He has been at South for God knows how long. We show up and he is wasted. This gets hysterical because Roxie and him just met last night for 10 mins and he is drunk with non-stop verbal diarrhea. Something like this:

"OMG Roxie we are going to be best friends. I can't wait. I mean really, BEST friends. I am embarrassed to tell you this but am so drunk so I don't care but all day I have just been thinking about the fun things we are going to do. Like Roxie goes to the beach with me, Roxie drives in the car with me, Roxie plays kickball with me..."

Clearly Roxie left some sort of amazing impression on him if he was thinking about her all day after having only met her after way too many cocktails at 1:30 AM. But yea, he has turned Roxie into a Barbie Doll. I mean I know she is blonde and lives in Cali, but she does not drive a pink corvette nor has she ever dated anyone named Ken, and I would argue I am more like a Barbie Doll because I would be the first one to get a pink car, and possibly date a Ken but I'll leave that up do discussion. But this was freaking hysterical and I can't wait to hang out with him again. (Side note: he moved out here with his best friend so that makes this all so funny on even another level. It's not like he is all on his lonesome out here).

Warren departed around midnight (I guess). We decided to go to another bar and low and behold it is a Karaoke Dive Bar! We walk in and to our sprise there is none other than Travis Brewer is up on the stage OWNING it. I was shocked. What small world. Later in the night we bumped (our iPhones people...new app get it ASAP) and hopefully will hang out soon. He seems like quite the charecter.

Sunday AM: Felt like SHITE. Hit up Malibu, got a shake on the Malibu pier and went apartment hunting again. AND guess what I think we found one! We are turning the application in tomorrow and I am super excited about it! I'll keep you all updated and post pics if we get it. Note: I wore my sunglasses all day in and outside these places because I was in no shape to be meeting potential landlords! Lords of all the land!

Sunday PM: We decide to chill and wake up at 4:00 AM to go to The Price is Right. Now you all probably know that I have been on once before and I am obsessed. So needless to say I was very excited! We got there at 4:30 AM. We were in line behind two sisters, Tina and Toni, (approx ages 55 and 51) who had been 15 times in the past year. THAT IS NUTS AND SO WERE THEY! They knew the man who interviews you, Stan, where the cheap parking was, what TPIR was looking for, all the rules and regulations, I mean you name it, they knew it.

When the gas station opened up she went and bought some powdered donuts, 10 mins later she went back and bought some Crumb donuts. Approx weight, 250 LBS and a cat lover, no doubt. For the remainder of the day we were going to be next to these ladies except for the 2 hour break you get before you have to be back for the taping. So after our 4:00 AM alarm and listening to these women we made an executive decision to stop by CVS on the walk home and get some mimosa ingredients. Def. the best idea of the day. Yum! We mixed and mingled with ourselves at Stef's before heading back up to CBS at 8:30 AM.

The rest of the day was pretty much us waiting around in the lot with 300 of what perfectly describes middle America. I am talking these people go to the beach and swim in their clothes, they wear American flag shirts (no offense Courtney), they drive miles and miles to make it here and they are pure entertainment.

Here is what I learned about Toni and Tina (the 2 sisters) throughout the day.

• They have been on the show 15 times
• Toni weighed 250 lbs
• Toni has been unemployed for the past year now, collecting unemployment while doing side cash jobs as a seat filler for other game shows at the rate of $8/hr
• Toni lives in a trailer home (therefore would have no room for a dining room set unless she put it outside)
• Toni has a personalized license plate:
• Toni has previously been in the dental industry
• Toni woke up at 2:30 AM to get in line
• Toni's next paycheck will come from finding 40 people to attend a "Doctors" taping and will be $500
  
• Toni loves cats and blue eyeshadow

I am sorry to be harsh but this literally was what kept coming out of her mouth. It just kept getting better and better! Funny though, Tina was actually called up today! Crazy, I know. Stan must have just been feeling the vibe she was giving. She didn't win anything but I guess her dreams have come true now. Sadly, Roxie, Stef and I didn't get picked but hey there is always next time right!

8:00 PM Monday Night: I just ate a pizza. A whole one. SICK!

Happy short week to all and to all a good night!

xoxo
Babs

TCT's Inaugural Drinking Game Friday!

Happy Friday everyone! I’m stealing a page out of the book from one of the funniest girls I’ve never met – Meg McBlogger of 2Birds1Blog fame. If we were to be trapped on a desert island, we’d want Meg there with us – mainly because she’s funny and likes to drink creatively. Thus, TwoCoastTales’ introduces its first Pilfered Drinking Game Friday! (Please don’t sue us.)

For our inaugural game, I’ve chosen one of my favorite movies of all time, Out Cold starring Jason London and Zach Galifianakis. Little known fact: to the naked eye, this film may seem like your average stoner snowboarding degenerate adventure, but it’s actually based loosely on Casablanca, often touted as one of the best films of this century. Which just goes to show you: there’s so much more to Generation X than meets the eye! Before I can outline the rules of the game, I have to give credit to the individual who introduced me to Out Cold, Andrew C., my college chum. Everything good comes from Andrew, including the Rhonda – also known as “The Tuck” to most males. Every winter at school, classes would inevitably be cancelled for 2 or 3 days due to ice and snow, so Andrew and I would settle in with a bottle of Goldschlagger and a copy of Out Cold to get us through this trying time. We live in different cities now and don’t get to see each other much, which may be for the best, because a 26-year-old standing on top of a cooler at a party with his manhood tucked between his legs singing “Vaagiiiiinaaa boyyyyy!” can only lead either to jail or Chris Hansen. Plus, now that college is over, we’ve been forced to assume responsibilities like jobs, taxes, and random drug screenings, which can put a real damper on our repertoire. However, I know that whenever I get a hankering for a good ol’ snow day, I can always pop Out Cold in the DVD player and reminisce about the senseless overconsumption of cinnamon-flavored liquor. So grab your handwarmers, your Jacuzzi Casanova, and your favorite Alaska mountain resort that sold out to The Man: It’s time for the Out Cold Drinking Game!!!

1.) Take a drink whenever:

• A rip-roaring snowboarding montage is shown
• Anyone says “Bull Mountain – don’t go changin’!”
• The legacy of Papa Muntz is referenced in an inspirational speech
• Lance says something extremely chauvinistic in an effort to mask his blatant homosexuality
• Luke refers to his testicles as the Olson twins, the Hardy boys, dice, etc…
• Anyone refers to Pedro O’Horny’s
• Anyone says “Snow Nook”
• Stumpy says anything

2.) Take a shot whenever:

• Weezer’s “Island in the Sun” is played
• A prank is played (Polar Bear Blow-Job, Drunk-Driver-Black-Out, etc.)
• Anyone hits on Inga
• Luke passes out

3.) Chug whenever:

• Anyone has sex in a gondola

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND EVERYBODY!

Dirty Confessions of the MTV Sort

Let’s talk MTV reality shows. At some point in my music-loving career, MTV declared a jihad against their own music videos and replaced them with “reality” television, the frontrunner being the Real World. Perhaps some of you were too young to remember (I was held back a grade), or you had a Mormon upbringing and were barred from MTV, but the Real World used to be the shiznit. Take the original New York cast: they had quasi-legit jobs and life goals, you could discern between them with ease, alcohol was consumed on a moderate basis, and what they lacked in fake tans, they more than made up for in high-waisted jeans and flannel shirts. As a 3rd grader in 1992, this was a group I could easily get behind. (I was sooooo Julie Gentry!) Don’t even get me started on the drunken meat-market that is this season’s “RW Cancun”, because if it were up to me, I’d send the lot of them out on a deep-sea fishing trip with Joran Van der Sloot. (What? Too soon?)

So a few series later of My Super Sweet Sixteen, Room Raiders, and Rich Girls, (did anyone else simply adore this hot meandering mess of Allie Hilfiger's show? What about the time the bulldog pulled an Exorcist and threw up neon green matter? “Madge is sick!!”) we arrive at our present day MTV lineup, the most fascinating, of course, being 16 and Pregnant. Who is the loon behind this, and what sort of Giggle Water was he drinking when he convinced himself he could pull the fleece over our eyes and keep us from realizing this was Juno: The Show?

What I liked about Juno:

• Ellen Page
• Michael Cera’s short shorts
• The hamburger phone
• Zany partner-in-crime played by Olivia Thirlby
• Allison Janney’s northern accent and weird obsession with dogs (specifically Weimeraners)
• The unfettered consumption of Sunny D and Twizzlers
• By the end of the movie, we know that everything is going to be okay

What I like about 16 and Pregnant:

• I can mentally dub it Comparative Proof That I Am Doing Pretty Darn Good With My Life Choices

And that’s about it. Because honestly, the rest of the show pretty much obliterates my faith in the high school population and makes my lady parts cringe in fear. I tuned in to Music Television in hopes of catching some Beyonce, not The Learning Channel – therefore please give me a little warning before you show a 17-year-old having contractions and being instructed to “push like you’re making a bowel movement.” And now the delicious Amy’s enchilada I was enjoying is going straight into the trash. You owe me $5.29, MTV – that shit was organic.

But, like any good train wreck you just can’t look away from, I keep watching. Every. Damned. Episode. Mainly because I’m just so startled how almost-acceptable they make it seem for high schoolers to have a baby. The baby shower scene alone almost makes me consider jumping in on the fun, until I suddenly realize who’s buying up all those onesies with “Daddy’s Strongest Swimmer!” and “I’m Living Proof My Mom Puts Out” written on them. If you, dear reader, happened to have a child at an early age, please don’t take offense – in fact, a tip o’ the hat to you. I just happen to know myself and have no qualms admitting that my loving-yet-easily-distracted arms are where a fleet of Tamagotchis, Chia pets, and one pet rabbit named Angel came to die (she lived outside, I forgot to feed her, my family still brings it up during the holidays, and I don’t want to talk about it.) Suffice it to say, I’m gonna need a little more time being selfish and looking out for Numero Uno before I can fully care for a miniature human being.

So you can imagine my disgruntled enthusiasm when I heard the season finale of 16&P was going to be “the most difficult episode yet.” More difficult than giving up your childhood, quitting school, giving birth, and waking up for 3 a.m. feedings?? Are they also going to live in a tank full of sharks? My mind was at a loss, until I tuned in last night mid-episode to find what appeared to be Lily Allen’s long-lost sister trying to select a couple to adopt her baby with the help of her stud-earring-and-sideways-cap-sporting boyfriend. “Oh ho ho, here we go!” I thought to myself. The minutes ticked by and the story unfolded– Lily & Eminem had been dating since 7th grade and both came from relatively unstable households (her mom was in and out of the picture and she’d lived in 13 different homes, his dad went to prison for a while – sorry to Debbie Downer this, but I’m a hard-hitting journalist who cuts to the facts), their parents had decided to marry each other so they were now step-siblings, and they were sophomores in high school. And pregnant. I didn’t even know where to begin, mainly because I could not get over her mother’s hair – it had to have some fake additions, because girlfriend’s weathered face was a telltale sign of her unhealthy lifestyle (read: crackhead), and I can only imagine that a diet of smack does not make for a healthy and luxurious mane. Additionally, the mom was a huge proponent of Lily & Eminem keeping the baby, because “Its my first grandbaby.” And she wasn’t alone! Eminem’s dad, who apparently spent his duration in the clink growing out a serious handlebar moustache, informed him that giving said baby away would be evidence of him not manning-up and “being a cowboy.” What??? Pretty sure there were no toddlers on Brokeback Mountain, Sir, but think what you will. I’m so confused as to why the kids’ explanation of “We want the baby to have a better life than we could give it right now” falls upon deaf ears, but I guess eating too many pork rinds and spending your time gambling at gas station casinos can make you hard of hearing. So I’ve already got the parents on my shit-list, but for the first time, the pregnant couple is kind of starting to win me over. For all his ghetto-bro façade, Eminem (fine, fine, his name is Tyler) is probably one of the most caring and realistic kiddos I have ever seen. They pick out a couple that want a baby very badly, have a stable household, waterski, and probably sh*t rainbows and cheesecake (I love ‘em!) Things get tense as the parents disapproval heightens, Lily Allen realizes how hard its going to be to give up a baby, Tyler is supportive and loving throughout the entire she-bang… eventually, my cold heart of granite started to soften a bit and I felt a hot salty tear dribble down my cheek. I cried during a reality show on MTV. And I kind of hated myself for it, because the commercial breaks were populated with sneak peeks at the upcoming Real World Cancun episode. The only thing that made it okay was the text from co-blogger Barbara: “Umm confession: sitting in my bed bawling and watching 16 and pregnant.” Through the course of the show, we came to the executive agreement that the couple was “SOOOOO SWEET!”, Tyler earned a "love love love!" and the parents were “stupidheads.”


So, MTV, well done. Although you’re only playing music videos from 7 – 8 A.M. these days, I hate the recent Real Worlds, and you are solely responsible for bringing Heidi Montag out from the Colorado rock she was living under, I can’t give up on you quite yet, because you restored a bit of my faith that there are decent teenagers out there. Even if they are having sex with their step-siblings.

No Icy Mits Here!

So I went to a pub crawl last weekend and what a time it was. Was I expecting Cancun Spring Break 1991? No, but I wasn’t expecting the geriatric pub crawl either. We started slow at Kenneally’s. We picked it up a notch at Mugsy’s, where we found a lovely picture of a 1920’s party scene. There were a lot of women and only a few men, but take it for what it is. Influenced by the photo Boozie started speaking 1920’s lingo. After this the whole feeling of the pub crawl changed. While he was speaking English you wouldn’t know it. We couldn’t understand anything he was saying and it was hysterical.

“Mugsy's got a special for slow hot gin fizzes under an Abe Cabe I tell ya....The bearcats should be out lookin to cash a check cuz the bank ain’t closin tonite...I gotta couple cuddlers on the line so you better be hittin on sixes I tell ya”

While I don’t hold a cake to Boozie, who can speak this off the top of his head, I’ll attempt to tell our 1920’s Geriatric Pub Crawl tale in 1920’s jargon to the best of my ability! Here goes it:

Five of us baby vamps got all dolled up and headed to Kennelly’s. We had Welsh, the bearcat speaking baloney from the night before. Frenchy and Kathleen were entertaining all the fellas at the table, Boozie, Wes, and Tony. We were making Shandy’s (miller lite, sprite, ice and a lime) and Welsh was drinking and spilling belts all over the place. After a few rounds of Uno we left for our second stop, Mugsy’s, where Catherine joined us and we all continued drinking the giggle water. Welsh was pretty bent when we got to Mugsy’s and was still spilling all over the place. That funny old bird Matt walked in like he was the big cheese but he didn’t even end up taking a belt all night. The bar tender wanted to tell us pipe down, we were being so loud, but since we were the only people there at 4:00 in the afternoon he couldn't really say anything.

After Mugsy’s we went to the Velvet Melvin, a nice little juice joint across from the old PPC. (I bet there are a lot of old quiffs in there). We were all zozzled so we ordered a pizza tray full of nachos and some queso surved in a styrofoam bowl. This is where sober LeBlanc managed to get us in the most trouble though! He was starting fires (literally), defaming signs, and running a muck all over the place!

After the bum’s rush at the Velvet Melvin we headed to Kay’s. By this time we were all fried. LaFollette, Joey and Woods all met up with us after the baseball game. Good thing this was the geriatric pub crawl and they weren' t driving around the city tripping for biscuits. We tried to tell them that this had been an all out, balls to the wall pub crawl but by the looks of us they could tell we were making it up. "Tell it to Sweeney" Woods said! Boozie was sitting pretty at the Texas Table just waiting for the flappers to approach him and we were all razzing each other! It was a nasty mess and in the end I bolted out early while the rummies headed to The Big Easy. I'll tell you what just because we weren't as rowdy as pub crawl 1991, we sure had a grand old time, got drunk, and it was the Real McCoy!

To translate using the 1920's dictionary click here

-Babs